Why, Why, Why!
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are almost dead?
Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they already know there is not enough money?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars; but have to check when you say the paint is still wet?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
How do those dead bugs get into those en closed light fixtures?
When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?' Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That really hurt, why don't you watch where you're going?'
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Jokes
It was a stormy night...
It was a stormy night. A guy was driving in some mountains and his car broke down. He stopped it by a tree and walked down the highway looking for help. A headlight started to approach him from behind. He turned back and noticed a car coming forth very slowly. He walked up to it, opened the door, and sat on the passenger's seat. Then he suddenly notices that there was no driver, but the car was moving!
Before the guy could decide what to do, a sharp turn appeared a few meters before the car and it seemed that the car was going to go off the cliff. The guy trembled in fright, but a pale hand came in from the open window and turned the steering wheel! When the car finished turning around the curve, the hand withdrew. Every time there was a turn, the same hand would come in and guide the wheels of the car to safety.
The guy could not believe all this. As soon as he saw the lights of some rest stop by the road he jumped off the car and ran into a bar, pale, wet, trembling, and telling everybody that he had a most creepy, supernatural experience.
Then two young men dripping in mud came into the bar. One saw the guy and said, "Hey, that's the stupid fellow that got in our car while were pushing."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
When you are happy, no one looks at you
When you are sad, no one looks at you
When you are angry, no one looks at you
But just one fart....
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Smart Ass
A man was pulled over for speeding down the highway, the officer came to the drivers window and said,
"Sir, may I see your drivers license and registration?"
The man said, "Well officer I don't have a license, it was taken away for a DUI."
The officer, in surprise, said," What, do you have a registration for the vehicle?"
So the man replied, "No sir, the car is not mine I stole it, but I am pretty sure I say a registration card in the glove box when I put the gun in it."
The officer stepped back, "There is a gun in the glove box?!?"
The man sighed and said, "Yes sir, I used to kill the woman who owns the car before I stuffed her in the trunk."
The officer steps toward the back of the car and says," Sir do not move, I am calling for backup."
The officer calls for backup and about ten minutes another highway patrolman arrives.
He walks up to the window slowly and asks the man for his driver’s license and registration.
The man said," Yes officer here it right here." It all checked out so the officer said," Is there a gun in the glove box sir?"
The man laughs and says," No officer why would there be a gun in the glove box."
He opened the glove box and showed him that there was no gun. The second officer asked him to open the trunk because he had reason to believe that there was a body in it.
The man agrees and opens the trunk, no dead body.
The second officer says, "Sir I do not understand, the officer that pulled you over said that you did not have a license, the car was stolen, there was a gun in the glove box, and a dead body in the trunk."
The mans looks the officer in the eyes and says, "Yeah and I'll bet he said I was speeding too."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Door Bell
One night a guy dropped his girlfriend at her home.
As they were about to wish each other goodnight at the front door, the guy started feeling a little in the mood.
With an air of confidence, he leaned with his hand against the wall and smiling, he said to her "Honey, would you give me a kiss?"
Horrified, she replied, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"
"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?" He asked grinning at her.
"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"
"Oh come on!
There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!".
"No way, it's just too risky!"
"Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?".
"No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!".
"Oh yes you can. Please?"
"No, no. I just can't" "I'm begging you ... "
Out of the blue, the light on the stairs went on, and
The girl's elder sister showed up in her pajamas, hair dishevelled, And in a sleepy voice she said,
"Dad says to go ahead and give him a kiss, or I can do it. Or if need Be, mom says she can come down herself and do it, but for God's sake and all of ours....
TELL HIM TO TAKE HIS HAND OFF THE DOOR BELL ........
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Retired People...
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop.
We were only in there for about 5 minutes.
When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd.... He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres.
So my wife called him a shit-head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.
It was a stormy night. A guy was driving in some mountains and his car broke down. He stopped it by a tree and walked down the highway looking for help. A headlight started to approach him from behind. He turned back and noticed a car coming forth very slowly. He walked up to it, opened the door, and sat on the passenger's seat. Then he suddenly notices that there was no driver, but the car was moving!
Before the guy could decide what to do, a sharp turn appeared a few meters before the car and it seemed that the car was going to go off the cliff. The guy trembled in fright, but a pale hand came in from the open window and turned the steering wheel! When the car finished turning around the curve, the hand withdrew. Every time there was a turn, the same hand would come in and guide the wheels of the car to safety.
The guy could not believe all this. As soon as he saw the lights of some rest stop by the road he jumped off the car and ran into a bar, pale, wet, trembling, and telling everybody that he had a most creepy, supernatural experience.
Then two young men dripping in mud came into the bar. One saw the guy and said, "Hey, that's the stupid fellow that got in our car while were pushing."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
When you are happy, no one looks at you
When you are sad, no one looks at you
When you are angry, no one looks at you
But just one fart....
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Smart Ass
A man was pulled over for speeding down the highway, the officer came to the drivers window and said,
"Sir, may I see your drivers license and registration?"
The man said, "Well officer I don't have a license, it was taken away for a DUI."
The officer, in surprise, said," What, do you have a registration for the vehicle?"
So the man replied, "No sir, the car is not mine I stole it, but I am pretty sure I say a registration card in the glove box when I put the gun in it."
The officer stepped back, "There is a gun in the glove box?!?"
The man sighed and said, "Yes sir, I used to kill the woman who owns the car before I stuffed her in the trunk."
The officer steps toward the back of the car and says," Sir do not move, I am calling for backup."
The officer calls for backup and about ten minutes another highway patrolman arrives.
He walks up to the window slowly and asks the man for his driver’s license and registration.
The man said," Yes officer here it right here." It all checked out so the officer said," Is there a gun in the glove box sir?"
The man laughs and says," No officer why would there be a gun in the glove box."
He opened the glove box and showed him that there was no gun. The second officer asked him to open the trunk because he had reason to believe that there was a body in it.
The man agrees and opens the trunk, no dead body.
The second officer says, "Sir I do not understand, the officer that pulled you over said that you did not have a license, the car was stolen, there was a gun in the glove box, and a dead body in the trunk."
The mans looks the officer in the eyes and says, "Yeah and I'll bet he said I was speeding too."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Door Bell
One night a guy dropped his girlfriend at her home.
As they were about to wish each other goodnight at the front door, the guy started feeling a little in the mood.
With an air of confidence, he leaned with his hand against the wall and smiling, he said to her "Honey, would you give me a kiss?"
Horrified, she replied, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"
"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?" He asked grinning at her.
"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"
"Oh come on!
There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!".
"No way, it's just too risky!"
"Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?".
"No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!".
"Oh yes you can. Please?"
"No, no. I just can't" "I'm begging you ... "
Out of the blue, the light on the stairs went on, and
The girl's elder sister showed up in her pajamas, hair dishevelled, And in a sleepy voice she said,
"Dad says to go ahead and give him a kiss, or I can do it. Or if need Be, mom says she can come down herself and do it, but for God's sake and all of ours....
TELL HIM TO TAKE HIS HAND OFF THE DOOR BELL ........
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Retired People...
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop.
We were only in there for about 5 minutes.
When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd.... He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres.
So my wife called him a shit-head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Jokes
smart cats
Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were.
The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist and the fourth man was a Government Employee.
To show off, the Engineer called his cat,
"T-square, do your stuff."
T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
But the Accountant said his cat could do better.
He called his cat and said,
"Spreadsheet, do your stuff."
Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies..... .. Everyone agreed that was good.
But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said "Measure, do your stuff."
Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk,, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass.
Everyone agreed that was pretty good.
Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, "What can your cat do?"
The Government Employee called his cat and said.....
"Coffee Break.....do your stuff."
Coffee Break jumped to his feet.....
ate the cookies..... .
drank the milk.......
sh*t on the paper.....
screwed the other three cats......
claimed he injured his back while doing so......
filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions.. ...
put in for Workers Compensation. ........ and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave!!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dead guy..
One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting with a demon.
The demon asked, "Why so glum?"
The guy responded, "What do you think? I'm in hell!"
"Hell's not so bad," the demon said.
"We actually have a lot of fun down here.
You a drinking man?"
"Sure," the man said, "I love to drink."
"Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink.
Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca. We
drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!"
The guy is astounded. "Damn, that sounds great."
"You a smoker?" the demon asked.
"You better believe it!"
"You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over
the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, no biggie.
You're already dead, remember?"
"Wow, the guy said, "that's awesome!"
The demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble."
"Why yes, as a matter of fact I do."
"Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette,
poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow.
You into drugs?"
The guy said, "Are you kidding? I love drugs!
You don't mean..."
"That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a
great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the
size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead,
who cares!"
"Wow," the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, "I
never realized Hell was such a cool place!"
The demon said, "You gay?"
"No."
"Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Brazillians
Donald Rumsfeld briefed the President this morning. He told Bush that 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq. To everyone's amazement, all of the color ran from Bush's face, then he collapsed onto his desk, head in hands, visibly shaken, almost whimpering. Finally, he composed himself and asked Rumsfeld, "Just exactly how many is a brazillion?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What are you smuggling?!?!
Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large
bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?"
"Sand," answered Juan.
The guard says, "We'll just see about that. Get off the bike." The guard
takes the bags and rips them apart. He empties them out and finds nothing
in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed,
only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the
man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.
A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?"
"Sand," says Juan.
The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain
nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the
border on his bicycle.
This sequence of events if repeated every day for three years. Finally,
Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in
Mexico.
"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's
driving me crazy. It's all I think about. I can't sleep. Just between you
and me, what are you smuggling?"
Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What do you call a laughing motorcycle.......? a yamahahahahaha......
Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were.
The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist and the fourth man was a Government Employee.
To show off, the Engineer called his cat,
"T-square, do your stuff."
T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
But the Accountant said his cat could do better.
He called his cat and said,
"Spreadsheet, do your stuff."
Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies..... .. Everyone agreed that was good.
But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said "Measure, do your stuff."
Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk,, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass.
Everyone agreed that was pretty good.
Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, "What can your cat do?"
The Government Employee called his cat and said.....
"Coffee Break.....do your stuff."
Coffee Break jumped to his feet.....
ate the cookies..... .
drank the milk.......
sh*t on the paper.....
screwed the other three cats......
claimed he injured his back while doing so......
filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions.. ...
put in for Workers Compensation. ........ and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave!!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dead guy..
One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting with a demon.
The demon asked, "Why so glum?"
The guy responded, "What do you think? I'm in hell!"
"Hell's not so bad," the demon said.
"We actually have a lot of fun down here.
You a drinking man?"
"Sure," the man said, "I love to drink."
"Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink.
Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca. We
drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!"
The guy is astounded. "Damn, that sounds great."
"You a smoker?" the demon asked.
"You better believe it!"
"You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over
the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, no biggie.
You're already dead, remember?"
"Wow, the guy said, "that's awesome!"
The demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble."
"Why yes, as a matter of fact I do."
"Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette,
poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow.
You into drugs?"
The guy said, "Are you kidding? I love drugs!
You don't mean..."
"That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a
great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the
size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead,
who cares!"
"Wow," the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, "I
never realized Hell was such a cool place!"
The demon said, "You gay?"
"No."
"Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Brazillians
Donald Rumsfeld briefed the President this morning. He told Bush that 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq. To everyone's amazement, all of the color ran from Bush's face, then he collapsed onto his desk, head in hands, visibly shaken, almost whimpering. Finally, he composed himself and asked Rumsfeld, "Just exactly how many is a brazillion?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What are you smuggling?!?!
Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large
bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?"
"Sand," answered Juan.
The guard says, "We'll just see about that. Get off the bike." The guard
takes the bags and rips them apart. He empties them out and finds nothing
in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed,
only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the
man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.
A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?"
"Sand," says Juan.
The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain
nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the
border on his bicycle.
This sequence of events if repeated every day for three years. Finally,
Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in
Mexico.
"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's
driving me crazy. It's all I think about. I can't sleep. Just between you
and me, what are you smuggling?"
Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What do you call a laughing motorcycle.......? a yamahahahahaha......
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